yUo rULe

This just in — Britney Spears is a mother. And best (or worst depending on how you look at it) of all, it’s a boy!

Normally, we at YLife! would not devote even a nanosecond of our time to the Queen of Toxic, least of all to someone who on the surface, seemingly has it all (at least when it comes to money — the brain part, I’ll let you be the judge of that), but because our compassion gets the best of us every now and then, we figured we could offer Mrs. Spears-Federline some motherly advice from an unbiased standpoint.

Why would Britney need motherly advice you ask? And of all people, from you guys at YLife!?

Well, it’s simple. We care about humanity. And because of that, we fear what our future generations may be subjected to if baby Spears has a run of a mean streak like mama dear — and you know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

Besides, since my future children will one day grow up in a society that will no doubt be dominated by the likes of baby Spears and all his siblings (what? You didn’t know Britney wanted a basket full of kids?), I believe it is my right — no wait — my responsibility to put in my two cents to minimize the damage that may potentially be unleashed on the unwitting minds of future generations.

Without further waiting, here is An Open Letter Britney Spears.

Dear Britney,

May I call you Britney? Or do you prefer Mrs. Spears-Federline? Or maybe you have a little J-Lo in you and you want me to call you mom too. Well, at least you merit being called mom.

Which by the way, is why I’m writing.

I want to congratulate you and Kevin (I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him Kevin but if he does, tell him I can think of so many other names to call him that aren’t as flattering as Kevin) on the arrival of your new baby boy.

I read on CNN that you guys plan to name your baby London Preston or Preston Michael. I’ll take this at face value since CNN would never post an inaccurate report, especially not when it comes to celebrities like yourself. Well, unless you count that little blunder they reported during the first Gulf War. And their botching of the O.J case. And how they misdirected their viewers during the presedential elections in 2000. And… well, nevermind.

Since I am not privy to the intricate process of naming your baby, nor do I want to continue in this letter referring to your baby in pronouns, I will call your baby Preston Michael Spears or PMS for short.

I hope you don’t mind.

I’m sorry I didn’t attend your Morrocan-themed baby shower or write this to you bearing gifts. But then again, I wasn’t invited to your baby shower so you can’t really blame me. From what I’ve read though, you wobbled away with quite a treasure of baby clothes, stuffed animals, strollers and carseats so I’m sure my presence and gifts were not missed.

Right about now, you have to be the happiest mother in the world. As I have witnessed amongst my circle of friends, there is nothing more precious and incredible than the feeling of holding a new born baby. Kevin should know this — isn’t PMS the third baby he has fathered?

I am sure like all proud parents (especially the ones living in the 90210 zip code), you want PMS to grow up and have everything your bank account can afford. A Sony PS3 for his 3rd birthday. One of those trendy mini-motorcycles when he turns 7. A party for all his prep-school friends when they graduate from grade 9. Maybe a 5-Series Beemer when he turns 17 to go along with his Mercedes SL500 you bought for him when he turned 16.

Indeed, PMS would be envied by most of his peers.

But Britney, I urge you to show restraint.

You know as well as any teenager growing up that being lavished with such extremities brings a euphoria that lasts temporarily. Just ask all your close friends in Hollywood about how their childhood was such a misery even though they were living in million dollar mansions and dining on lobster bisque for breakfeast.

If anything, the best thing you can provide to PMS is your undivided attention and your unconditional love. Forget the cars. Forget the exotic vacations. Forget hooking your son up with girls you know in the industry. If you do that, you’ll have to endure sleepless nights while listening to an old favorite of mine — You Drive Me Crazy (Wait a minute, isn’t that one of your songs? Haha. Sorry, I had to chuckle at that).

Instead Britney, I believe you can make a big difference in PMS’ life. You can ensure that PMS grows up to be a “normal child” as you and your celeb friends always cry for in public interviews, as if owning a $50 000 car when they’re 14yrs old makes them abnormal. And if anything, it is usually the parent that has made them into abnormal beings — it’s like you can’t fathom saying “no” to your child’s demands no matter how ridiculous they are.

But you’re different Britney. And because of that, I sincerely believe you can lead the charge for a reform in Hollywood. Show the world that you’re a woman of your words. Show the world that you’re willing to give up the luxuries and earnings of a mega-star and move back to Lousiana to raise your child in a “normal” environment.

Of course, this means giving up such lucrative contracts for the sequel to your hit reality show, Chaos. But don’t worry, I promise to buy the DVD if it ever comes out. Ditto to your next album, unless you plan on releasing another greatest hits anthology but that would actually require you to have a series of greatest hits and not just the garbage you fooled people into downloading from your previous greatest hits album.

Above all, I believe you’ll have to step out of the public limelight for a long time. Forever if I had things my way. Don’t let the media and the paparazzis get to your child. Don’t let PMS end up on the cover of an amateur skin flick like a certain Hilton did. And pray to God that you will never have to bail him out of a county jail.

But if all fails, you could always send PMS to Kabbalah school. I’m sure you have no qualms about forking out $50 000 a month to see that PMS receives all the spiritual teaching and blessings that only Kabbalah schools can offer to celebrities. Look at it this way, he can always end up dating Madonna’s children. Either way, it’s your prerogative.

Lastly Britney, just make sure you also give PMS the room he needs. Don’t be one of those moms who interferes with their child’s life. Just look at what that did to the Home Alone kid. He never recovered did he?

The last thing you need PMS to feel is overprotected. He might rebel, start throwing milkshakes at unwanted photographers and confess that despite his vow to remain a virgin to until he married, he broke his celibacy the day he turned 16.

In other words, he might turn into you.

And that would drive us all crazy.

Your friend,
Yung

P.S. You’ll have to forgive me for not including Kevin in much of this letter and for not exactly having the higest regard of him as a father. It’s his track record I tell you.

P.P.S. Call me. We’ll hit the malls together. Maybe you can start reinventing your sense of fashion which you clearly lost when you were pregnant.